- 3 days ago
I can’t wait for my academic journey at UH to end. I honestly hate it here. My beginning at SU can’t come any sooner.
I haven’t gotten laid in months… Talk about withdrawals…
I don’t think that I will ever get married or hold a steady relationship. While most people don’t mean it when they say something like this, I do. It’s not because I don’t want to get married [as most people may think], that simply isn’t the case. I’d love to spend my life with someone that I could interdependently care for, caress, love, and hold. Someone that can make me experience what it is like to feel human [something that is often absent from my life]. I’m not saying that I’m sad about this, nor am I saying that I am overwhelmed with joy. It’s just that I’ve come to accept this as a reality. My feelings are always too intense in the beginning and end up exhausting themselves as soon as the gun is sounded. Then there’s the fact that almost no one truly catches my eye. In terms of a plain old relationship, I have no standards whatsoever. If you vaguely interest me, I’ll give it a shot. But there are only two women that have ever captured my heart. I’m not saying that other women aren’t equally as beautiful. They just happen to be my kryptonite, I honestly think that it’s them or nothing. At this point, I’m going for nothing. Both are in healthy relationships. I don’t want to mess that up. They will always be in healthy relationships. I can’t guarantee that I would make them happy. Who am I to compromise their life and wellbeing in the pursuit of my selfishness? I actually had something “good” going with the both of them then, being the selfish asshole that I am, I messed things up. I tried to make them smile when in all actuality I was satisfying my personal desires and broke their hearts. I’d sell my soul for another chance, but I’d also sell my soul to ensure that the two of them are happy. The best option is to distance myself and make myself nothing but a name, a picture on the wall, a distant memory.. Fuck what I said earlier. It makes me depressed to know that I tried and failed because of my actions. Eventually I’ll come to accept this hard reality. For now, I’ll just stick to my life without them.
Even though I already mentioned Jenna (@jennnaaaaa) in my last post, I feel that I should start from the beginning. During my freshman year in high school, my girlfriend [at the time], Tiffany, and I decided to go on a “double date” and watch 2012 with her brother, Calvin, and his friend, Jenna. I had some strange attraction towards Jenna during the movie [despite the fact that I was holding hands with Tiffany]. Following the movie, I got home and immediately tried to find out who this mysterious girl was. So, I did what all normal high schoolers did at the time, I added her on Myspace. Eventually, her and I started talking. I remember the first message I sent her when she accepted the friend request. I basically stated that she was my friend’s-ex and that it was nice to see her at the movies the previous day. I know, dweeb-ish right? It worked though. So, we started talking. The more we talked, the more that I felt my feelings for her intensify and my feelings for Tiffany fade… Then, I made the mistake of planning to hang out with Jenna. When we hung out, it was completely innocent. We didn’t do anything. However, when Tiffany asked if Jenna and I hung out, I felt guilty and said no. She broke down and called me a liar, that Calvin told her the truth. Tiffany broke up with me. I told Jenna, some tensions arose, you get the picture. Let’s just say that some bridges were burned that day between Calvin and Jenna and Tiffany and I, all due to my actions… It was stupid, I know. But that’s the way the cookie crumbled.
Eventually, I tried to forgive myself, moved on, and pursued Jenna. As such, we started talking more. I remember that, one weekend, I was staying at the Hilton Waikiki and I was elated with joy every time that she I received a text message from her. Following that, we also started to talk in person, text, and sit next to each other at school [it was a big thing back then]. We used to eat lunch with a group of her friends, U’i, Rebecca, Ka’ua, and another Jenna. One day, when Jenna [the Jenna I had a thing with] was late to the table, the four of them said that she wanted me to ask her out. So, after a few days of contemplating, I did it. Our relationship was short-lived. We went out for a few days, then an argument ensued. It started with the fact that she would be going to college in a year and then it just spiraled downward. It ended by us mutually agreeing that we should take a break. So, that was the end of our relationship.
Despite the fact that Jenna and I had broken up, we remained acquaintances. We would talk every now and then. I still cared about her a lot. On one occasion, she ran away from home/got kicked out. I told her that she could stay at my house for a little while [my mom was on a trip and I had the house to myself]. She slept on my bed and I slept on the floor. She said that we could slept in the same bed but she had a boyfriend and I didn’t want to ruin something that they had. The following morning, she showered, came out, and told me that she found out I went in and caught a glimpse of her [which I didn’t]. Anyways, we caught the bus to school, ate some breakfast, and that was the end of that. One night, during my junior year, I went over to her house. We planned to talk and did so for a good half hour. Then, we started flirting, and we started teasing each other. I was poking her and she said that didn’t kiss before. One thing lead to another and I ended up pushing her up against the wall and I kissed her. It started to rain but I was caught up in the moment and just continued. I’ll always remember that night…
As I mentioned before, Jenna and I continued to talk for a while. Throughout the four years that I have known her, I have never been able to keep up with who she is dating/has a thing with. It’s always bugged me, but I try not to think about it. I remember that she was dating a fellow in my grade during my junior year. She told me to come over and talk, I obliged [they were off and on and I thought that they weren’t together]. One thing lead to another, that guy found out, and he wanted to kick my butt. I was mad at myself for doing what I did and I was mad at Jenna for not telling me. The guy and I are on good terms now, but it still bugs me. More recently, Jenna and I had a falling out after I basically got mad at her for being faithful to her boyfriend. I had become accustomed to being mutually tied to each other’s beck-and-call. It was so stupid. I was so mad that I stopped talking to her for a little over half a year before I apologized.
We tried to reconnect this past November but she was a different person. It seems like she was more negative. Jenna wasn’t too happy about the fact that I talked to her [ex] friend and went on a couple “dates” with her. Nothing was the same. I grew up a little and she remained the same. Yet, I still had traces of feelings for her. I honestly tried to be friends with her but I couldn’t…
To this day, I don’t know what Jenna and I are. We aren’t friends, lovers, acquaintances, or anything in between, Our status always changes, jumping through the various tiers. It’s so hard to talk to her. While they aren’t strong, I will always have feelings for her. Maybe it’s the fact that Jenna and I never really had a relationship, that it was more of a fling. I want to talk to her, but I can’t keep beating myself up like this. As such, I told her that we can’t talk anymore. I’ll always care about her and I will always be there for her if she needs something. But I have come to terms with reality, being friends with Jenna is unhealthy and unfair for the both of us. Why me?…
After I had come to accept the way that things turned out between June and I, I tried to acclimate myself to a new phase in life: high school. As a Freshman, I didn’t have a good standing with the upperclassman due to my size and age. At the same time, I had little respect from my fellow grade-members because of what happened between June and I. As the days passed, I found myself attracted to this one girl that I saw around school. In an effort to befriend her, I added her on Myspace. As I browsed through her profile pictures to try and grasp who she was, I stumbled upon a picture of her laying down, smiling. I left a comment on the picture, saying that she was really pretty. This really got things going between us. We started talking, messaging each other, complimenting one another. Then, for some odd reason, I messaged her and dared her to kiss me after school. I was joking around and said that she would be a chicken if she didn’t. I texted her after school, again, jokingly, and asked where she was. I said that I was waiting in the courtyard. I honestly wanted to talk to her since I hadn’t done so in person before. Then, she came out of the crowd, kissed me on the lips, and walked to her bus stop. I was dazed and confused, positive emotions flowed to every inch of my body. When I snapped back to reality, everyone looked at me and I heard the plethora of giggles, astonishment, the “oohs” and “ahs.” I then walked away, blushing, and my guy friends/acquaintances cheered me on as I walked to my destination. From that moment, I knew that I wanted to be more than friends. So, we started going out. We frequented the mall with her friends, ate at Blazin’ Steaks a lot, and we always watched movies. On one occasion, we went to see 2012 with her brother and his friend, Jenna. The whole time, the couples present held hands, cuddled, etc. But, something was off… I felt myself physically attracted to Jenna. I knew that I shouldn’t have been, but I was. When I went home, I made it a point to add her and “look but not touch.” One thing lead to another, and Jenna and I started talking as friends. One day, we went to hang out and Tiffany asked if I had been with Jenna. Knowing that she would’ve taken it the wrong way, I said that I didn’t. She started crying and calling me a liar, saying that Calvin, her brother, had told her that we hung out. Tiffany broke up with me that night. I tried to pick up the pieces, but I couldn’t… Technically, I didn’t cheat. Jenna and I didn’t hold hands, kiss, or do anything. However, I made the effort to talk to her and I had feelings. Here’s another heartbreak that I will never be able to forget. I will never forgive myself. I mean, it’s bad enough that her parents didn’t like the fact that I was Korean and told her that I was no good. But the fact that I, in a sense, proved them right was what hurt the most. I hurt someone that I had cared so much about. Tiff, I’m sorry…
June started off as one of my close friends in 8th grade. I’d joke around with her and call this phallic USB a dildo :P. Anyways, I always confided in her for relationship advice. When things were good with Nicole, I told her. When things weren’t so good with Nicole… I ate some ice cream, then told her [kidding about the ice cream btw]. It seemed fitting, at the time, to tell her that Nicole and I broke up. When I told her the reason why, she was furious. Then, after a week or so, I realized that I sort of had feelings for June while I was with Nicole. The breakup allowed me to see a different side of June. One thing led to another and we started going out. We would always go to the movies, hug at random places [a practice that I, now, find socially awkward], and we would video chat with our mutual friend, Novelle. When Freshman year was right around the corner, I broke up with June. I have no rhyme or reason as to why I did it. It goes without saying that she was devastated. I was her first boyfriend, I made her fall so hard, and I delved into her deepest, darkest memories and secrets. Then, I just ended it. She cried for days. Novelle tried to slap some sense into me but it didn’t work. June wouldn’t even eat for a period of time… This instance is really how I began to get a bad rap at Maryknoll. Everyone hated me for it. I don’t blame them… I’m sorry, June.
Nicole was my third girlfriend. I met her in 8th grade. Again, I don’t remember how we started talking. I do remember going to the movies with her all the time though. She was, and still is, a total movie buff. I also remember going on our class trip to Washington D.C. together. I kept acting like a jerk and tried to impress her. Needless to say, it didn’t work and I was in the dog house when I accidentally made one of her friends cry… I guess that’s really when our problems started. After that, things just went downhill. In the months leading up to our break up, I found out that she was really against any touching. Hand holding and hugging was barely acceptable… The only time that I could really do that was at a school dance. Even then, it was slim pickings. Eventually, 8th grade ended and it was summer time. The summer leading up to 9th grade was big for me. I had summer school to get ahead in high school and I also had an important backpacking trip with my Boy Scout Troop. When I got back from that important trip, I received horrible news from her at the time. She told me that we should “take a break” and that “I didn’t really try to kiss her or do anything.” That really aggravated me since she was blatantly against it. So I just let her go and sat in my room, heartbroken. That’s the story of my first heartbreak.
- 2 months ago
Alice was my second girlfriend. She was a grade below [I was in 8th and she was in 7th] but a few months older than me at the time. Honestly, I don’t know how we met or how we started talking. This relationship is sort of a blur to me in comparison to some of the other relationships that I’ve had. I do, however, remember going to Ala Moana [a mall] with her all the time. We should walk around, talk, and just spend time with one another. After, I would walk her home and she would always get the Cookies and Cream Hershey’s Chocolate Bar. It was her absolute favorite [until she found out that she was allergic to Chocolate haha]. I also remember sharing my first kiss with her. We were by Hallmark and she kissed me; my mind went blank; my body went numb; I had butterflies in my stomach. I was happy as ever. The last solid memory that I have with/about her is our breakup. We were at the Punahou carnival with two of her friends. We were having a blast. Then, at the end of the night, her friend set me off by saying something [I forget what she said though]. As a side note, that same friend was making my life miserable for the past month or two. She kept saying that Alice deserved better, that I’m stupid, etc. So, I broke up with Alice, saying that I’m just a guy. That she could always find someone else and that friends last a lifetime. I didn’t want to make her choose between me and the friend. So, I just left her, crying, with her friends… I felt like the biggest dick ever. I walked across the street and sat on the church steps for a few hours. Her friend called me and said that she was sorry, that she didn’t mean it. She wanted me to get back with Alice since she was crying. The thing is, I couldn’t. It would’ve made her insecure in the future. She would think, in the back of her mind, that it could happen again. So I just carried on with my life. Passing her in the hallways at school was painful. I wanted to say hi, to say sorry, but I couldn’t… Truth be told, Alice was the first girl that I had left heartbroken. I’ll never forget that, I literally wear it on my forearm daily. *sigh*
Tanya was my first girlfriend. To this day, we are still close friends. We met in 8th grade. I don’t quite remember how I struck up our first conversation [I should probably ask her], but I remember some of the good times and stupid things that I did to try and impress her. After all, she was my first girlfriend. It’s odd really, it seems like it’s been such a long time since we were together, but I remember so much about our relationship. Maybe it’s because she was my first girlfriend. Maybe it’s the fact that she meant/still means a lot to me. Let’s get into what I remember: on this one occasion during PE class, my current [and long-time] crush semi-jokingly told Tanya “why are you dating Zak? There are tons of better fish in the sea.” Everyone laughed, and we were both quite embarrassed. I also remember walking her to her grandpa’s car every day, giving her a goodbye hug [including the butterflies that filled my stomach], and I watched her leave for the day… Then, on Tuesdays, school ended at 12:00. A couple of my friends and I would hang out. I would always dig out after lunch with them, running over a mile from my friend’s house to Manoa park, to spend time with Tanya. One time, we were walking her dog, Toby, and she slipped and fell on her butt while chasing him down a drainage canal. Tanya also told me about the one middle school social that we attended as a couple. She associates that night with the song Bubbly by Colbie Caillat. We slow danced to that song. It brings back fond memories when I think about it, hopefully it’s the same for her. There are so many great memories that I have with her, I never want to forget them. One of these days, I’m going to sit down and take the time to put everything on paper. But, all good things come to an end. Let’s see if you can pick up on this reoccurring pattern later. One day, I lost feelings/went numb. I came up with the bright idea that not talking to her/ignoring her would make those feelings come back/solve the problem. Needless to say, she broke up with me. I don’t blame her. Despite the fact that things ended between us, this relationship is one that I will always cherish. My relationship with Tanya showed me the innocent side to a relationship. I loved her, I still do [just in a different light]. She was really the catalyst that gave me hope for love, and I do appreciate that.
I honestly believe that I am cursed, that some person, perhaps in another life, wished that I would never find a person with whom I would even consider settling down. While I am by no means ready to settle down, and while I am sure that I will find my “special someone” [or find happiness in bachelorhood], I am human. I think about trivial things that hold little value in the whole scope of things.
Now, back to the reason as to why I think that I am cursed; it is multi-faceted. First, I began “liking” girls at a very young age. To be precise, the first girl that I liked was KC [I think that’s how you spell her name] and this happened in Kindergarten. Let me tell you, I was bombarded with Cootie jokes forever! Now, this problem ties hand-in-hand with the second reason as to why I believe that I am cursed. I was not exactly a “hunk” for a majority of my life. Prior to the summer of 2008, I was unattractive to many girls. I was a short, plump, and chubby kid; I was practically an Asian variant of Russell from the Pixar film, UP. Sure, I was sweet, loving, and caring, but the fact that I looked liked the son of the Michelin Tire man didn’t exactly appeal to the ladies at the time. They would’ve much rather pinched my cheeks than said yes to a movie outing. Trust me when I say that this happened a lot. Ask any of my friends, they will tell you that I used to have a horrible reputation in school. I used to be the “player” or “womanizer.” Now, I’m not saying that my actions did not appropriate such a title; however, I do blame it on the third reason for me presuming that I am cursed; I lose feelings [in such a short period of time]. It’s my nature. Plain and simple. I start talking to a girl with the greatest sense of passion and devotion. Over time, whether or not we become an official couple, my feelings wither away. Essentially, I was a “heartbreaker.” This can be seen throughout all of the women that I have dated throughout my life. Let’s put everything together: I was, and will always be, a hopeless romantic, a cassanova [albeit, not the best looking Casanova]. I will always love the sense of romance. However, for a large portion of my life, I was unfavorable to women. To this day, I am still unfavorable to the one’s that I really care about. It’s a recipe for disaster… In the following days, I’ll be cataloging my [meaningful] love live thus far. Stay along for the ride if you wish; it could surprise you.
- 3 months ago
Strangest video ever but part two of meeting my tumblr crush
One of the most beautiful girls on Tumblr, hands down. Not only is she insanely hot, but she’s actually relatable!! Follow herSource: iambettymay
- 3 months ago
You know, I may not have the most friends in the world and I might not be the most popular individual [in a positive light], but I can say that all of my friends are quality individuals. Over the years, I have met individuals young and old, ranging from their infantile stages to some being eighty years old. I have seen my friends come and go like the tide when the moon greets and says farewell to the Earth. But, in the end, I am appreciative for every single experience that I’ve shared with the lot of them. I’ve seen some of my young friends, the youth that I mentor, develop and mature into wonderful young men and women. I’ve also been the sense of immature youth that my adult friends have come to appreciate. Thank you all for the times we’ve shared. I look forward to making a plethora of joyous memories in the future.